Foreplay by Numbers

Golf embraces the concept of foreplay too, and in the same way as sex.

Shouting FORE! = Lookout, incoming!

Golf too has rules regarding that which is allowable and that which is not, just like real foreplay. A mate of mine relates the tale of being in Greece as a youth on a drunken teenage vacation. (He's English.) Standing at a bus stop with a Scottish girl he met earlier in the evening, they got frisky. When he reached up her skirt, she put a temporary end to proceedings by declaiming "Tits first, then box" in her delightful broad brogue.

The road to paradise is strewn with dead ends and blind turns. Until you have a working knowledge of the road, it's best to stick with a few basic rules that you both understand.

1. Some form of lubricant is a good idea. Social lubricant, that is. Alcohol is the standard way of reducing inhibitions.

2. Circle your object of desire in the same way that lions stalk prey. Purr, tread softly, use your tongue, be patient.

3. Encountering resistance is normal, and shouldn't dissuade you from continuing. Divert your attention elsewhere for a while, return to the scene of disappointment. Watch the gate open.

4. Feigning and misdirection are normal elements of foreplay.

5. Remember, it's only sex. It's not like negotiating strategic arms limitation treaties. Humour helps a lot. There's a reason it's called fooling around and not seriousing around.

Foreplay Part 1.

Foreplay Part 2.

Foreplay Part 3.