Consider the Penis

Consider the penis. Poor thing suffers from negative headlines and poor approval ratings. Nobody likes him, at least not publically, and those who are supportive choose to shmooze in private. His life is - as the old chestnut goes - like a married man's; he's always in the shit, it's only the depth that varies.

He needs a new PR firm. The current one has either lost the client file or is concentrating on more lucrative accounts, like breasts or the vagina. I believe that the penis's lousy popularity is all about the way he's spun, media-wise, and not something intrinsically bad about him. How not to like what is basically a telescopic injection system?

At the moment Mr P has about the same cachet as Gary Busey, or, worse, David Hasselhoff. You know these guys have talent, and they've done good work in the past. But you'd be less surprised to see them featured on TMZ or the Smoking Gun than at the Oscars or the Emmys. Ditto the penis. His resume is filled with solid if dull work: he's a journeyman, and that's fine, but things are slipping in that 'I heard he's doing pills/saw him drunk at noon' kind of way. He's better than that.

A big part of the problem is the arm's length relationship men have with their penis. To most of us he's that distant friend we're not sure how we met, always there, mostly good company, generally well behaved. Unabashed mateship is possible, but we're aware that he harbours the ability to go rogue. Horrid cliche that it is, the penis has a mind of his own, and he can be willful in a way that leaves the rest of us looking bad. So we remain less close than you might imagine.

Vaginas have their Monologue, breasts have Hooters. What does the penis have? Yes, there is that puppet show, but does that really help to uplift the image? I think not. With an eye to engaging a marketing firm, the penis's abstract would go something like this:

External variable-length dual-function mammalian appendage needs re-imaging. Delightful pleasure-centre with whimsical side sometimes appeals to adult women. Mysterious qualities worth highlighting. Relationship with owners usually good, but lacks spark without female interaction. Penis name is stale, although the right campaign might rescue it. Key issues: bad reportage, low public awareness, downside only highlighted in mainstream media. Recommend completely new media strategy.